⊙ 遊俠手記

ya it is written in English, but I will translate it in Chinese some other time (ya right).

I was reading this, and took a little time on reading the reply. Everyone has their own experiences and ways looking at social. I personally not a thinker and I don't know how to put my feeling into appropriate words, so I will just type my own point of view here for my own record.

Back when I was 12 when I moved to United States of America, I found myself in one of the worst situation I ever encounter in my 12 years of life. No one in the school is actually able to help me, since none of them knows Chinese; and my family couldn't provide any support either because none of them ever when to middle school (they all move in to US at their college age =_="). I wasn't considering myself lucky at that time. All I was doing is companying about my miserable school life and stay in my own little dark corner during lunch time.

One year pass by, and the miracle is that I manage to do fine in school lol maybe is because I was in the English as a Second Language (ESL) so that the English teacher knows what to put for my English grade XD (however my math grade never drop below B+ from that point). My ESL teacher was a very nice lady and she helped me a lot on basically every single subject that involved basic reading skill and English comprehension (in other word, all subject) At that time I have, without counting, no friend at all. While everyone are sitting with each other in the lunch table, I usually either go to library or eat at the corner, like always. Without having anyone to talk to (because I couldn't =_=), I feel more than lonely.

Another year pass by, and I am so lucky that my grandmother's joint disease had genetically pass on to me and the symptoms shows up in lighting speed. No one knows what was going on other than me yelling in pain and couldn't lifted up my leg. For two month I feel like I was walking a nails between my bone, stapling deeper and deeper as I move. It takes about three months for my family to find out that I am not lying about my pain and they decided to find me a doctor, and by that time I found the only way to feel no pain is a good shot in my heart. At that time I have no friend to share this event other than my ESL teacher and some people that I know of that I couldn't call them friends.

Than I realized, why did I get myself in this situation?

It takes about a year for me finally able to move like a normal person with disability and a cane. Unfriendly eyes were around me every time I walk weirdly on the street with my cane. It was nothing but pain, mentally, especially when i realize again why I don't have anyone else to talk to other than my family member who couldn't understand what a teenager's thought?

I entered High School as a freshman with my cane, and I was still a ESL student that time, however my English were improving slowly but steady, and will be able to quit ESL program next year. At my freshman year I don't know anyone other than the people in my classes who are also in the ESL program. Because I have no one else to talk to except another girl from Hong Kong, I finally made my first friend in my school life in USA.

Freshman year pass by fast, and the next year come just like the school had never ended. I wasn't really starting my school year til the point, since my freshman year was nothing more than ESL, right now I am actually getting involved into school activities. I joined the Chess Team and Drama Club as a start, than I start using the English I learned in the pass three years to talk to more and more people, and become closer to the school. At that point I know more people than I know than the last three years, and the number of my friends increase to 3 (lol)

How did I get the strong personality I have right now instead of my old self-unsure scary cat? I don't know it myself either, but I guess is the fact that I learned how to deal with America students by observing and understanding their cultures? Than I guess I really took my time alright. I find that in order to have people's respect, first you got to have the image of respect, your own image, than you can start from there by doing what your image suppose to do, and give everyone a sign that you are not someone they can mass with easily, showed that you have confidence on everything.

In my junior year I know even more people, and understand how the school is like (before that I don't even know what is an elective lol) by joining more school activities. by doing that I keep on building my own image in the school and everyone knows me in the image I give them unless they are really close to me and knowing I am still who I am, and those people are called "my friends". In the school image I am a A student who doesn't care about grades and rules, who are dramatic and somehow crazy. Sometime I thought I play myself too deep that I actually believe I am really that type of person.

I change a lot, and thanks to the image I made myself I was able to be friends with a lot of people, and manage to keep a wall between them. Sometime I found that is hard to join into a "group" in the school too, but hey, my name is Freelancer, isn't it? Freelancer is a traveler who belongs to no where but here, no one but himself, and is not the first target you should mess with.
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Maybe the above words sound like I don't know what I am talking about, and maybe I am. But those are the staff I come up with as I type along about my experience so I guess they will make sense once you know me = )